Monday, December 31, 2007

New Best Friend Needed

My best mate in the world has just got a new dog.

It is a Schnauzer and she has named him Dougie.

The reason for this only becomes apparent when you say his name followed by his breed.

Go on.

Say it.

For this reason, I can no longer associate with her.

A Rubbish Update

I did it! I braved the bin-shed.

As you may have read earlier in the blog I was umming and aahing about whether or not to drive my binbags somewhere else rather than chuck them into my own bin due to the infestation of rats at the current Green home.

Well, the smell got to be too much for me as I woke this afternoon and a cleaning spree took hold so they went. No more nonsense! Out they went...and I didn't see one rat......

.....mainly I assume because I had my eyes closed as I opened the shed door, squinted to see if I had taken the bin lid off properly and threw the bags in, then locked up quickly and went about my business.

I've no idea if they're being scurried over and eaten by the bastard rodents as we speak. I can't think about that too much!

In other news, after starving myself in anticipation of the beans and toast I was going to have when I got to Work 2, imagine my disgust when I saw that some swine had used the last of my bread for their OWN toast AND helped themselves to my beans as well! With not enough money for a Domino's I'm forced to wait for McDonald's to open and get a breakfast!

The lesson here is....don't leave ANYTHING, ANYWHERE EVER!!! The bastards can't be trusted!!!

Kevin Greening

I heard this afternoon about the death of Kevin Greening.

It was a shock to say the least and absolutely tragic. I had a few people texting me wondering how he'd died and, according to his agent, it was "peacefully in his sleep".

This makes it more unbelievable. That there's no proper reason for it.

Anyway, he was one of the very very best. If you look to create intelligent radio and are unafraid to treat your audience with the respect they deserve then Kevin was the standard you forever try to emulate.

One of the wittiest and effortless broadcasters I've ever heard and I can only extend my best wishes and condolences to those close to him.

Media Guardian - 31st December

Saturday, December 29, 2007


If you can, visit the BBC's fabulous Listen Again player to listen to yesterday's "Scott Mills Gold".

Chappers, who was down to link in between re-packaged bits of the Drivetime show, wasn;t well and so who do the men in the know get in to do it instead?


My favourite part is the first link into Take That. It's brilliant radio gold and makes me wish (and you if you also work in radio) that we could be this honest about the tripe we;re forced to play. - Go to "Listen/Podcasts"

Friday, December 28, 2007

A rubbish post

Just how illegal is fly-tipping?

I live in a house containing 6 flats which stands on it's own next to a railway line pretty much in the middle of nowhere. The reason I asked the question is because as a result of our isolation from civilisation a plague of rats has invaded the little shed where we keep our bins.

All week I've taken down my bin bags only to be scared off by the scuttering of at least 14 rats in the bin-shed and so I took the bags back upstairs. I've done this at all hours. In the dead of night as I leave for work (4am usually) is just too scary, they've leapt out on those occasions.
I even did some reading up (OK, it was Wikipedia) and saw that rats were supposed to be nocturnal but at 1pm they were still there, running to and from the sewer grid.

Now I know what day the bins are collected in the neighbouring villages, surely it's not wrong for me to just place my bags near the communal set-down points on the High Street is it?

All this to avoid possibly coming face-to-face with something the size of my foot. Come on though, you'd be the same!

Made Me Laugh #1

This is from Saturday Night Live.

Andy Samberg punches people before they start eating...and it's funny.

...apart from the bit at the end. That's just annoying!

Monday, December 17, 2007

He'll Never Leave

Much was made of the end of this series of Parkinson. The anticipation in the press about his "last ever" show with the stellar guest list he chose himself (who's been choosing his guests for the past 36 years then?) and the fact that this was the end of an era was unpalpable.

I can't help feeling a bit of deja vu though. Hasn't he retired before? At least twice? I couldn't help thinking this all the way through this "final" programme.

Michael Caine and David Attenborough were highlights. Peter Kay was annoying and David Beckham was actually quite interesting. It was nice to hear Parky asking some questions that actually led to answers I wanted to hear.

So the end came, Parky came to the front, said his thank you and goodbyes followed by the following inevitable annnouncement....

"..until next week when I'll be back for a special episode"....

Jesus man, will you fuck off already!! You're either retiring or you're not!!

I truly believe that Parky, like Trevor McDonald and News At Ten, will be keep being cancelled and then returned to great fanfare until the end of time!

(....maybe not the end of time, but certainly within 18 months)

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Seeing the dead

Since getting the car and driving round Oxfordshire and Wiltshire at ridiculous times of the morning, I've been hearing all kinds of stories about seeing ghostly apparitions on the road.

You know the kind of thing, you'll be driving and suddenly see a young woman in the road but as you slow down she disappears, or horsemen patrolling what used to be the stables etc..

It's always a story to do with someone who died at the spot in some grizzly circumstance.

The thing is, I'm fine with ghosts appearing at the places where they died, however why is it only human ghosts you see?

Think of the number of foxes, rabbits and badgers that are killed on country roads every day and wonder why you never see ghostly figures of them littering the roads.

Never have I heard anyone talk of seeing "what looked like a slow pigeon but as I tensed, ready to hit it, it disappeared..."

Think about it....but not for too long....

Monday, December 10, 2007

WTF? - Dec 10th

December 10th's edition of "What the Fuck.." concerns Niki, the latest warbler to be thrown off TV's karaokefest "The X Factor".

She tells the News Of The World that she and her hubby have a suicide pact because "it's in the best interests of the kids."

They have two teenage boys and they thinking is that if Niki or her fella were to die, if the other one kills themselves it'll be easier for the kids to deal with 2 deaths at the same time than to deal with the loss of their parents over time.

It's an interesting thought but I'd have thought that if one of your parents died you''d want and need the other parent to comfort you and make sense of it all. Maybe that's just me though!

Advent Calendar

I finally got my Advent Calendar from home today.

It's a special Manchester advent calendar. All the windows are boarded up and some bastard's nicked the chocolate!

Worst hangover ever...because I've not bee drinking!!

So yesterday was the day from Hell!
I did the Ikea show from 12 till 4am, got a couple of hours shut-eye in the studio then on the road to Swindon for a 6 hour stint at the GWR Appeal.

It's the 25th time they've done this and the way it's done is really quite good. The main studio has the major lots and they go to quick sales every 15 minutes. However, the interesting thing is that Ralph Bernard, the chief executive of the ENTIRE COMPANY sits in the second studio who barks orders at you every 20 seconds. Very very funny.

So at 4.00 I eventually finished (after chatting with the captain of Swindon Town....who's from Blackley) and set off for my hotel. Obviously because I'm an idiot I didn't print out directions to get there and so had to find it from memory. I knew it had Chippenham somewhere in the address so I drove round Chippenham for half an hour, to no avail.

Then after looking on my phone for a Travelodge in Chippenham it gave me "Leigh Delamere - Westbound" which is on the M4...near Bath...notclose to Chippenham by any stretch of the imagination!

I eventually arrived at Leigh Delamere and found that, obviously, I'm booked in on the other side of the motorway. I asked the lady behind the counter (who looked a bit like somebody stapled a sticker of Patricia Routledge's face on Jabba The Hut) whther I could tranfer or would I need to drive to Bath and come the other way.

"There be another way" she said and told me about a country lane which I can get onto by driving to the other side of the car park etc...

So I did? Could I find this slip road? Could I buggery! I was on the motorway before I knew it!

To be fair it's very likely that this road didn't exist or that it's manned by pixies who don't open the protal unless you provide them with fairy dust! Either way, it wasn't there!!

I finally got there and checked in, the towels were still in the bath, an empty wine bottle was still in the bin and there was no tea, coffee or bog roll. It was only £19 though!

Had a quick 45 minute kip and back into work. It was manic for the last couple of hours but great fun and it sounded good as well. We raised £51,000 at the end and Ralph did his annual "this is my last year" thing.

My favourite part was when he went round saying his thank you's. Roo got a massive hug, Jez got a big manly handshake, Simon Fyles got a long-lost son hug and then Ralph's eyes met mine. He looked me up and down, realised that he didn't recognize me and so with not a flicker of relaxation on his smile looked away and tried to start a new conversation with someone! I've been snubbed by Ralph Bernard...I'VE ARRIVED!!!!

I managed in that 24 hour period to get 3 hours sleep. As a result this morning I feel hungover despite having no booze at all!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Take That - "Shine"

This song now reminds me of the supermarket advert where Nick Hancock shouts at us about liking fresh fish.
I'm not really the kind of person to take any notice of celebrity endorements anyway but why should I or anyone make a decision on their shopping choices based on Nick Hancock? Do you know anyone who would?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Flat hunting

Bad news : I've got to find somewhere to live as I get chucked out of my current house in 7 days.

Good news : prices on the Thames should have come down a bit!

Monday, July 09, 2007

James Blunt Does His Bit

Apparently James Blunt offsets his carbon emmisions by showing "An Inconvenient Truth" before each of his shows and plants a tree for each ticket sold.

That must cost him a fortune!

Here's an easier way for him to help out with this is by just...fucking off! No trees to be planted, no James Blunt concerts! Everyone's happy!

2 days since Live Earth... seems Global Warming is STILL happening!!

Still, nice little concert!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

How I spent July 7th

I forgot to send out some tickets to winners for tonight's cage fighting at the Rivermead so I had to find out their addresses and hand deliver them this morning after the other job. Luckily they lived on the same estate. Unfortunately it was a bit scary!

I forgot that I had to cover the morning show as well as my own and so I went to bed.....woke up at 11.00 with a nice understanding text asking where the hell I was!! Idiot!

Work 1 needed the podcast a whole day before I got back from holiday so I had to go in and do it today. Annoying but necessary!

In the beer garden of one of the local pubs I enjoyed a pint and watched as a guest at the wedding being held in the restaurant arrived in a helicopter! Boo for being such a nasty capitalist pig but huge hurrqahs for being cool enough to turn up at a wedding reception in a helicopter! Wouldn't happen in the Blue Bell!

I honestly don't remember being told of a family gathering at my mum and dad's today for my little brother (Adam, 28) with my cousins in attendance. I haven't seen them for ages. One of them always has the arse with me so I wasn't that bothered about missing them but it would have been nice seeing the cousin I haven't seen for ages and ages! Haven't seen my bro's enough either!
I see my girlfriend's family who are extremely close! So close they can't go a day without speaking to each other for at least 30 minutes at a time, I've no idea what they find to talk about. I sometimes wish I was like that with my family but it would feel too suffocating! The great thing about my family is that we may not speak or get together as much as most families do but we know we're there for each other when it's really needed. Plus, I couldn't phone them every day! I don't DO anything, what would I tell them? "Hiya mum, I've had 2 shits already today!"

..apart from Spinal Tap obviously ...which was cut short by the BBC, brilliant! Was Paulo Nutini pissed? I watched the thing about lyrics on ITV instead and got 3 wrong! Gutted!
Hayley was selected to spend £100 pounds on standing tickets for the 37 hour spectacular but we didn't get round to it and thank God! Rather than take unecessary train journeys and contribute to the huge carbon emissions from the stadium and the huge outside broadcasting facilities it was more in the ethos of Live Earth to just ignore it and lie on my settee eating custard creams and drinking coffee! I think I've done my bit now!

Overspent by 100% this weekend by getting a Meateor pizza from Domino's! I'm naughty!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Rufus Hound

I was reading the Guaridan today and this guy got a mention in Grace Dent's brilliant column. It prompted a thought which I must admit I've harboured for some time, so I wrote a poem about it...hope you enjoy!

I cannot promise much
but I guarantee a pound,
for the one ultimate answer,
who the fuck is Rufus Hound?

Many times I've turned on goggle box
and look! He's bloody there!
With some faux ironic trucker's cap
and "interesting" hair.

A man whose conversation
sounds like crap stand-up routine.
He's so awfully prolific
from the TV that I've seen!

When TOTP wanted presenters
he was there to take his turn,
Waxing lyrical 'bout Matt Darey,
I even started liking Fearne!

Is he expert in some subject?
Did I miss this with a blink?
Coz I've yet to get my head round
should I care 'bout what he thinks?

So I'll search on Wikipedia
groups on Facebook 'til I've found
Satisfaction to my question
Who the fuck is Rufus Hound?