Thursday, January 17, 2013

Should've Kept My Mouth Shut

As mentioned in the previous post, 2013 has been a good year so far. Everything seems tickety-boo. Sorted out a new flat with a diamond flatmate, the mood has been great, I've got into a great routine at work where I get things done in good time and I'm actually quite happy. I've been telling people how great everything's been...and there's my problem. As soon as I share a bit of happiness, as soon as I feel good about myself and life in general I share this and it's like a beacon to the pricks of the world. I might as well have taken out an advert in "Obstenant Egocentric Arsehole Monthly" saying "As things are going so well here's an open invitation to any pea-brained pillock with an attitude problem to kick me in the bollocks! Here! I've painted a target for you so that you can see it from your vantage point of being up your own arse!" And life comes back to normal.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

National Trying My Patience Day Passes Without Incident

A fairly amazing thing has happened in 2013.

I have honestly, genuinely been in a very good, positive and happy frame of mind. Every day has been a joy and people at work have been confused by this strange thing on my face. I have named it a "smile".

Today I have encountered not one but at least three attempts by the world in general to ruin this revolution and I'm hoping that be cataloging them here it will allow this bump in the road to be flattened.

1. The Pointless Viewing
I'm currently flat hunting. My good friend and I have decided to look for a place together to save a few pennies.
We were down to look at a couple of flats on the estate my friend is currently on last week. We viewed the first one, and liked it, but then got a call from the other estate agent to say that they couldn't show us the other flat because they couldn't get hold of the key. That didn't fill us with confidence.
Today, I finally managed to see that mysterious flat. I pulled in and called the agent to see where she was.
We met and she took me to the flat.
The same flat I had already seen!
It's apparently common practice now for landlords and homeowners looking to sell to take on a number of agents for each property!
Last year this would have rested in the utilisation of my hyper-powered sarcasm guns the spirit of 2013, I viewed as if it was the first time I'd seen it.
I didn't want to waste her time. I also used the opportunity to make out that I was psychic by predicting what was behind certain doors.

2. Carvery Cretins
I had a very important meeting which, due to it's importance, had to be held in the local Crown Carvery.
It was the height of deliciousness itself, as usual, and we had picked exactly the right time to go because as we were finishing a plague of sixth formers from the college next door came in to pay their £2.99 for a mighty feed. Who can blame them.
As a number of them sat down by our table I noticed something odd.
One of them...had brought their own food! Brazenly she was scoffing it down close to the serving hatch as well.
Even worse, it was a Pot Noodle!!!
This isn't a celebrated chef's restaurant, this is a carvery! Great food at no price at all. If you can't afford £2.99 for a meal that's fair enough but don't insult them by bringing in a Pot Noodle to scoff!!
My mood however, mainly due to my own recently finished plate of goodness, remained up.

3. Basic Chemistry Forgotten.
As I drove into the courtyard of my friend's estate I noticed one of her neighbours was fannying about by his mid-range Audi Twatmobile.
As the owner of such a fine vessel it's only right that you want to look after it. No problem with that.
However this tool had decided that as part of his penis-extension's beauty regime he had to throw bucket after bucket of water over her (I imagine he refers to it as a her).
It can't have escaped this moron's attention that today has been the coldest day for some time. The visible breath of his fellow humans and that cold white stuff that was everyone else's less attractive cars would have given the game away I'd have thought.
Surely he'd have appreciated that lots of water exposed to freezing temperatures (there's the clue, Skippy! "Freezing") would create something of a risk of creating a dangerous frozen carpet just ready for someone coming home from work in the dark to slip over and break something.

Dear reader, it didn't. Maybe the warmth of his smug face was lulling him into a false sense of security that all of this was fine and that no-one would get injured by his utter tomtwattery....because he smirked as the mini toboggan track started to for before his very eyes.

A month ago I'd have pissed on his windscreen but 2013's good mood stopped me! Rather disappointingly, I merely tutted.

And finally

4. The Can't Be Arsed Brigade.
I had another viewing to attend. A cottage conversion, 3 bedroom next to a Joseph Holt's pub no less. Potentially a great viewing. I got there early to have a snoop around. I waited at the door when my appointment time came but no sharply dressed eager beaver came to me.
I waited 5 minutes.
10 minutes.
Eventually the front door was opened by a middle aged man dressed in his "doing things around the house" attire.
He said "We're doing a couple of jobs around the place" and then showed me round in record time with the verve of a man who can't be mithered with it and wants you out of the house.
As I was pushed out of the for he told me "We've had 8 or 9 people show an interest so you might want to have a good think about it and come to a quick decision"
Oh I have.

But again the good mood of the New Year stopped me from storming into the estate agents and demanding to know what was more important than my money.

New man.